The Dearest Place: I'm Sorry

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I'm Sorry

Have you ever felt that the most difficult phrase to say in every language is "I'm sorry?" These are the two words in which we admit we may have been wrong, we give some of our pride to the other person as it were, and we are sad because we may have caused distress. But in the same phrase we are declaring that we care more for that person, than just feeling superior for a moment because we are undoubtedly right and there are no if's, and's or but's about it.

Recently, I had a moment of sad, preposterous weakness. It doesn't matter who was right or wrong, it was that I hurt the feelings of a person that I love dearly.

Being a wife is a double-edged sword. I know my sweetheart's strengths better than anyone. If you ask me you'll probably get a more detailed list than you every dreamed someone would give. But I also know his weaknesses, which means with no thought of the consequences I can say the most cutting things.

The minute those things come out of my mouth, remorse sets in like the weighing numbness of getting a shot right before a cavity is filled. I replay what I have just said in my mind and the reality of what I said, how I said it and the angry why immediately fill me with remorse. And then, for some reason my mouth continues saying hurtful things despite my mind attempting to stop it.

Then, I pause. Really pause. I look around me. My children are staring at me in dismay and worry. My sweetheart can hardly look at me and I feel angry. At me.

Then with a quick repentant prayer for help I say the two words, hoping beyond hope somehow it will all be alright. "I'm sorry." Followed with a few more important words. "I love you so much." "I should not have said those things."

Whoever invented those two words was genius. The universal bandage. Some of the greatest words of comfort. The desire for peace. A homage to love and/or understanding. "I'm sorry."

Source

I love you W! I'm sorry. You mean the world to me!

2 comments:

vdg family said...: Ah it was my fault, thx for the nice post, love u
Wayne; February 21, 2012 at 8:39 AM
Mindy said...: I love that quote at the end. I needed to hear that... thanks! love ya Mel; March 7, 2012 at 10:24 PM

Endearments

19 Oct 2012 S (age 7): Mom, what does c-l-i-m-b spell? Mom! Are you listening to me?! T (age 4): It spells "darn it!" Me: It doesn't spell anything until you can use your kind, calm voice.
2 Aug Sometimes my kids assume that anything in an aerosol can is air freshener--which I don't even use that often. Sunscreen. Cooking spray. Hairspray. Perfume. . . my house has stunk like it on several occasions.
2 Aug 2012 At the park T (age 4) asked me about something I ran into the store to buy, which he had previously not noticed and asked suspiciously, "Did you go get this without a grown-up?"
16 June 2012 T asked me this morning, "Mom, do phones get juice from the chargers?" I said, "Yes. Yes they do."
16 June 2012 T was holding the doll and he dropped it and picked it up. I asked if it was okay and he said, "She's not dead. She keeps her eyes open so she won't be interrupted." I leaned down and kissed his sweet short-haired head and he grinned at me then he leaned down and kissed his baby on the head.
15 May 2012 T just asked R while they are playing their Nintendo DS's together, "What's a nerbous breakdown?"
11 May 2012 My 4-yr-old made me smile today when he told me, "Mom, you da-prized me." Then after his brother told him that he had guts for jumping off one of the rungs at the school play-yard, "I do? What's guts?" Then again a moment ago when he sweetly offered my husband his Thomas the Tank Engine backpack (size 8 1/2 by 11 inches) for W to take to work. What a sweetie!
31 Dec 2011 S asked me today, "Mom, could you please find me a time machine so I can go back in time and see Baby Jesus?" How do you respond to that? I wish I had a time machine too.
27 Dec 2011 T was hopping around at bedtime and bumped something over. He ran over, "I'm so sorry, Mom. I am so sorry I messed up that mess."
29 Oct 2011 S was singing a song T was listening to in a snide way and T called out, "S, don't be an alien."
10/23/2011 There was a nursery emergency today. T ran to me from the doorway and hollered, "A grape fell into my tummy!"
3 Sept 2011 We were in the car driving home from a ward party when T called out, "Am I four yet?" "Not yet" we replied. With a few moments thought he then asked, "How long until I grow up?"
23 Aug 2011 I try not to let it bother me when my youngest runs from a forkful of dinner to the other room while yelling "YUCK!" Really, how gross can spaghetti from a can be?! Turns out that after a month of non-spaghetti dinners he forgot that he likes it. Then after S forced him to eat it he ran in and hollered, "I like it!" Whew! What a relief.
27 Apr 2011 We were going to pick the kids up from school and T wanted to ride his scooter. He said, "Mom, I want to ride my scooter and be fast like a band-aid." I did not know band-aids were, um, fast.
27 Apr 2011 T came out of his room with a huge smile on his face and then said, "Mom, I am so grouchy." Then he smiled again. I'll take more of that grouchy, anytime.
13 Mar 2011 S is a determined missionary. She has talked to a few kids in her class and her teacher about Jesus. She gets so excited when they say they go to church. Then when she doesn't see them she says, "Oh, they went to church when they were little."
13 Mar 2011 S and T were having a heart to heart talk about something they were eating. It went like this. T: It tastes like dinosaur. S: Yes. It does!
13 Mar 2011 Immediately after a girl from the primary had been baptized in our ward T gleefully cried out, "Me next!"
13 Mar 2011 T is definitely the younger brother of my daughter (an unofficial princess) because he he loves to dance all over the house because he asked, "Mom, pick you up (me up) and dance like a princess.
13 Mar 2011 T loves to tell me that he cannot put on his shoes because he is going to get a "bleestard." Then he begged me to find his mustard jacket (it has a dinosaur on it--there is no yellow whatsoever).
6 Feb 2011 T asked me to get him a cup of hot chocolate. Upon hearing the word "chocolate" S rushed into the room and cried, "ME TOO." I said, "We don't have hot chocolate, but you can have some chocolate milk." They agreed. I said, "Let's report to the kitchen." "Yes," said T, "Let's repo the chicken."
3 Jan 2011 T was trying to feed me his PB&J and I was resisting. Finally I said, "No, I will not eat the sandwich. But, I will eat your arm." I immediately began pretending to eat his arm with the accompanying ar, ar, ar sound. "MOM," he squealed, "THAT'S GROSS."
11 Oct 2010 T was up when W was leaving for work this morning. T followed W all around the house holding onto his scrubs and saying over and over, "Daddy no go work." Then, "I nee my had-dy daddy no-book." (I need my handy-dandy notebook--thank you "Blues Clues."
27 Aug 2010 T was walking with the other kids and I when he suddenly stopped and pointed at all the people around us and in amazement said, "Look, mom. Humans!"
22 Aug 2010 The other day R was trying to help T recognize that what he was doing was not entirely helpful to the mood of the day. It went something like this, "Don't do that T, it's too ignoring." I think he meant annoying. :)
13 Aug 2010 I just got the kids to bed. T rushed out and sat back up on my lap. Then he turned to me and cheerfully said, "I caked up. S caked up. R caked up. Daddy caked up." Thank you T for the family update. I am glad to know we all have cake and are awake.
3 June 2010 S came to me tonight with a cut on her hand. She did the pity-me-please cry and then she said, "Mom maybe you should do for me what Daddy does for you when you don't feel good." I smiled and said, "What is that?" She said, "He gets you goodies when you're sick." Thanks W! :D
31 May 2010 R ran into the kitchen, "Mom, my tooth is bleeding!! See, look at my shirt."
31 May 2010 T loves to copy W. It gets really exciting right around bedtime. W gives me a kiss. T gives me a kiss. W tells the children, "Go to sleep." T tells the kids, "Go oo sweep."
28 April 2010 Yesterday the kids were playing with their friend, Pierson. I am not sure exactly what they were playing, but I heard S say to Pierson, "You can marry me, if you want to." There was no answer.
13 Jan 2010 R asked me today, "Mom, when I am 17 or 18 will you let me stay up until 9 or 9:13? "
4 January 2010 T was sitting on my lap while I was reading a blog. It was so funny I started laughing heartily and T joined in. I told W, "It's so funny." T added a few more giggles to the mix and said, "It's so funny." Then laughed some more, which made me laugh more, which made him laugh more. Laughing is delightful!
Dec 25 Lately S has gotten a bit grouchy about the fact she has chores and forcefully told me, "Mom YOU are NOT the boss Heavenly Father is!!!"
Dec 15 T loves to talk. He loves to have an "I love you!" sound off with me. It goes like this. M: I love you. T: I la oo. M: I love you. T: I LA oo. M: I love you. T: I LA OO. It gets louder every time. Oh, sweetness.
Dec 15 T has started talking non-stop. Today when we were preparing to eat dinner S was asked to pray. Before she had time to start T began and finished before S had a chance to lift an eyelash. He finished with a grand "AMEN." I love him so dearly.
Oct 14 This morning R rushed into the room W and I were in and shouted, "T has learned a new word! He can say 'Ikea!'" W and I took a moment to absorb what he was saying and then we burst out laughing. R understood this as disbelief and went to T and sweetly asked several times, "Say 'Ikea.'" Apparently "Ikea" to T was a one time thing.
Oct 7 I was lying on my bed for a minute. T brought his special blanket and came to lie by me. He sat right next to my head, carefully tucked my head into his blanket, and lay down. I love how sweet he is!
Oct 6 T has gotten rather chatty as of late and sometimes will playfully go into a yes/no war with me. Like this, "Tommy do you . . .? " Tommy says, "Yes." I say, "No." He says, "Yes." You get the idea.
Oct 6 S and I were walking together and talking about weather. She said something like this, "Mom, It tastes like music."
Sept 28 S came up to me after watching a Sesame Street good food and exercise movie and eating an assortment of good-for-you snacks and proudly announced, "Mom, I feel so healthy." Now when I do my exercises she insists on doing her Seasame Street ones.
Sept 2 R had run into a piece of furniture while wearing goggles and hurt himself. S lovingly came while I was consoling him with 3 or 4 blankets. Finally she came in with a Christmas hat--you know the kind that is red with a ball on the end. She sweetly put on his head and said, "Now you'll get all better." What a dearie!
July 27 We went and saw Tiffany V in her play "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." So taken by the person who played Joseph, S immediately went in search of him after the show was over. To no avail she left the theater screaming/sobbing, "WHERE IS JOSEPH? I WANT JOSEPH!!!" Did I mention that it was probably 11 pm or 12 am EST (which she was still on, relatively).
July 13 On the jet waiting to fly to UT/ID S eagerly asked, "When are we going to blast off?" Then, pointing to the engines, "Are those lazers?"
June 27 R has recently been making comments about the meals I have been fixing. "Mom, you are the best cooker in the world." It makes me smile really big and think or say, "Thank you dear. Have another cookie."
June 27 The road to speaking can be a long and arduous one. T's new word for the week is OW! It's rathe endearing and exasperating at the same time. For example he's getting a tickle and at the end of the tickles he gleefully declares, "OW." I give him a glass of water, to which he replies politely, "OW," etc. "Hot" is a close second.
June 11 R said, "I'd like to be a bug. . . They are so small they probably won't get hit by asteroids or comets." Where did THAT come from? :D
June 10 "If we had a billion dollars then could we go to Grandma's house, Mommy?" "I want to see Jenna one last time." --S
May 26 Our friends gave us some hand-me-downs yesterday (I love hand-me-downs--thank you Maetani's) and S was thrilled beyond measure. She dressed in every outfit today and kept telling me, "Mom, dreams DO come true!"
May 20 Tonight as the kids were taking their baths R suddenly came crying to me, "I lost my toy FOREVER down the drain." I thought he said he lost his toe down the drain, so I checked to make sure all 10 toes were in tact. Then he told me that we would have to call the guy that does the water or else the WHOLE CITY would be plugged. All this from a 10 cent toy.
May 13 Today S and I painted our nails. Directly after getting it done she fell and bumped her face. :( She ran to me and cried for 10 seconds then she anxiously asked, "Are my nails ruined?"
May 10ish The other day I overheard R explaining pointedly, "S, you never see me doing things that are my fault do you?"
April 26 In our primary there is a reward system in place where if the child brings his/her scriptures 6 weeks in a row then she/he gets a treat of sorts (non-edible). Today S felt totally indignant that she did not earn a treat and in tears begged the primary president for a treat. The primary president smiled and after a brief consolation filled conversation said to S, "I don't get a treat either." S, unabated, wailed, "That's because your OLD!" She really isn't old, but I guess anyone over 4 is old to S. :D
March 27 T was playing trains with R and I told R told me that T likes things with wheels. I told him, "Just like you." He smirked, "I don't have wheels!"
March 25 On the train home the other day we were reading the book on Disney princesses. R noted that the princesses were all alike. Beauty got the Beast, Cinderella got the slipper, Snow White woke up, and the Little Mermaid got modest.
March 17 At dinner one night we were having what everyone gave a 10 (a rarity). S left the room for a moment. When she was out of sight R went over to her plate and began to pick up the fork to take a bite. From the next room we heard, "DON'T EAT MY FOOD!" Turns out she was in the bathroom with the door cracked open one inch which afforded a view of the table and the unforgiveable act in motion.
March 16 One day when W got home T looked up at him and sort of bounced up and down excitedly and said, "Hello."
March 16 The other day while cooking in the kitchen S came in excitedly and told me, "Mommy, I am so nice." Yes S, yes, you are. . . when you choose to be.
March 16 S gave me a hug and said, "Mommy, you're warm and gentle." Then she looked up at me smiling and finished, "Just like Snow White."
March 4 S today told me, "Mommy, I want to be a grown-up. I like grown-ups. They can blow bubbles."
Feb 21 In primary today the chorister told the kids that were left handed to sing by themselves. Her daughter delightedly shouted out, "Yes! That's me! I have a left hand!"
Feb 21 When R was praying the other night he was thankful for all of God's curators (creatures or creations).
Feb 21 A couple of Sundays ago we were late for church. W told them that being late to church made him feel frustrated. S soothingly said, "Don't worry Dad. We know you are frustrating."
Jan 1 S has a double stroller, for dollies. However today she wanted to be a dolly. It took us 20 minutes to figure out how to get her out. Parents, beware of innocent looking double dolly strollers.
Jan 1 R got a lot of games for Christmas. Some of them were card games. Just now I asked him what he was doing. He said, "Shoveling cards."
Dec 27 R went outside and said to literally every one passing by saying, "Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays." S not wanting to miss out on the merriment shouted at the top of her lungs, "HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERY ONE!!!"
Dec 20 T loves to say Da Da Da when he's very happy. He says Mumumum when he feels sad. Shouldn't it be the other way around? :D
Dec 18 T loves to play pat-a-cake. He'll do it over and over. He loves to follow W or M all around the house-literally--all around the house.
Dec 19 Today there was snow ALL day and S every five minutes hollered, "Okay, Mom. Let's go play in the snow." We had a snowball fight all the way home from picking R up from school.

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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I'm Sorry

2 comments: